Anorexia Nervosa
A Disease or a Choice to be Skinny? Anorexia nervosa is a psychiatric illness that describes really skinny people who think that they are fat. Many people are jealous of anorexics because they have gold medals when it comes to losing weight. If only all of the obese Americans would learn a trick or two from them such as hate because if you hate yourself enough, you will want to kill yourself from a prolonged period of starvation, a slow and painful death. Anorexics use many techniques to lose weight including but not limited to “voluntary” starvation, purging, excessive exercise, diet pills, or diuretic drugs (which do not work, but will give you a hell of an electrolyte imbalance). Anorexics are typically very bright and intelligent people who are good at trickery (aka manipulation). This includes the trickery of other people and their own bodies. Anorexia is not a life-threatening disease even though it puts a serious strain on most if not all of the body’s organs and has the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric condition (merely a coincidence). The slow heart rate (sometimes less than 30 beats/min), cardiac rhythm disturbances, electrolyte imbalances, etc are also a coincidence and not a result of anorexia. If you know an anorexic person or see one on street, be nice to them because hungry people are mean and may attack you if you snap at them. A Day in the Life of an Anorexic 6am: Get up, weigh yourself. 8am: Drink tea. Weigh yourself again, see if anything has changed. 9am: Go to the gym to lift weights and get some more cardio in. 9:30am: The pain in your chest intensifies and you almost pass out. You take it as a sign of weakness and add an extra hour and a half onto your workout. 12pm: Eat: One pickle with mustard on it, 2 carrots with mustard OR plain mustard OR nothing at all because let's face it, you at yesterday. 12:15pm: Throw up lunch (if you are the purging type). Weigh yourself. 1pm: Drink a Diet Rockstar for energy, or starbucks coffee, when that is done, chew a bunch of gum (each piece for at least an hour to burn more calories than the gum). 1:30pm: Time to contemplate how you are a horrible, fat, disgusting person who has never succeeded in anything in your lifetime. Think about all of the gross calories that you ate today. 2pm: Stare at yourself in the mirror and pick out fat body parts, even if your skin is stretched across your bones. 3pm: Weigh yourself and get really depressed by the numbers on the scale. Drink a glass of water and then weigh yourself again to see if anything has changed. Go for a short jog (3 miles) and then weigh yourself again to see if anything has changed. 5pm: Isolate yourself, avoid seeing friends or family, basically anyone who cares about you because they are really just trying to trick and guilt trip you into getting “help.” If you accept their “help,” you know that you will be very disappointed in yourself as giving in (or your lack of "willpower") is a sign of great weakness. Their "help" will most likely result in a nasogastric tub threaded up through your nose, snaking down the back of your throat into your stomach. "Pushers," or doctors and nurses as they are commonly referred to by lay people will stop by several times during the evening to poison you with cocktails of high caloric Ensure Plus as well as in the middle of the night when your heart rate drops. 6pm: Eat dinner: lettuce, celery, steamed vegetables covered in salt and pepper 8pm: Do your evening workout of 1000 sit-ups, 200 push-ups, wall sits, jumping rope for 30 min, 10 different pilates videos, and maybe some tae-bo if you are feeling really bad about yourself (which you are). 8:30pm: Remind yourself to engage in really rigid thinking sometimes called black and white thinking. You are either good or bad (bad), fat or skinny (fat), smart or dumb (dumb). This may be tied to your perfectionistic or obsessive tendencies. 9pm: Go grocery shopping and collect recipes so that you can make a bunch of food yet never eat it. Typically it is given away to friends and family because lets face it, you like to watch other people eat. While in the grocery store people are staring at you. Could it be because you are so emaciated? Or because you look like a Holocaust victim (not survivor)? No it must be because they think you are fat, how embarrassing, you should really not go out in public anymore if you are THAT fat. 10pm: Wrap up in a blanket because you are so cold. Take your sleeping meds and then dream about food all night. Don’t forget to have nightmares that you ate a bunch of food (by a bunch I mean like a piece of bread). Don’t worry, you will eventually wakeup and realize that you didn’t eat all of that food, phew! REPEAT AS NEEDED (aka everyday) – If you stray from this schedule you are a horrible human being, a glutton, and a drain on society. Your punishment? More exercise & less food. I'm very knowledgeable about this topic - I clearly have an eating disorder. Enemies of Anorexia: Food, socializing, happiness, self-worth, life. Famous Anorexic People (Practicing,* Recovered**, or Somewhere in between***): Mary-Kate Olsen,*/*** Lindsay Lohan,*** Nicole Richie,* Karen Carpenter (dead), Christina Ricci,** Posh Spice,* Audrey Hepburn (dead), Fiona Apple,** Princess Victora, Tracey Gold,** Kate Moss,*/*** Elisa Donovan,** Nadia Comaneci,** Christy Heinrich (dead), Sally Fields,** Billy Bob Thorton,** Geri Haliwell,*** Sandra Dee,** Nancy Reagan,** Dolly Parton,** Kate Beckinsale,** Calista Flockhart,*** Anna Freud (daughter of Sigmund), Felicity Huffman,** Alanis Morisette,** Tara Reid,** Portia de Rossi,** Ana Carolina Reston, Brazilian model (dead), Perez Hilton*, and Michael Moore (haha just kidding).